Do I make you horny, baby?

I speak to a number of people over the phone in the course of my working day.

Most of the time, I'm explaining the services that we offer, or giving them information.

It's fairly common that I speak to people who are fairly enthusiastic about the subject, either having a deeply held belief that this is the right thing to do, or the vigour that comes from ignorance.

That said, I spoke to someone earlier today who seemed to be enthusiastic in a different way. Each time I answered his questions, he would respond with a long, drawn out "MmmmmmMMmmmm...", which I'm sure was intended to indicate thoughtfulness, but at times became almost, well... let's just say...

... if worked on a telephone sex line, or as a receptionist for a brothel, it's the sort of response I would expect, along with requests to keep talking.

Now, I'm all for loving your job... but there are limits...

January 13, 2004 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack

A perfect morning

Waking up naturally, no nasty alarm to drag me kicking and screaming from the arms of sleep.

Warm hugs, under-the-duvet snuggling, yawning and stretching. Quick dash from under the covers to turn the heating back on.

The sound of the Beach Boys drifting into the room, accompanying the next few chapters of the book I'm currently reading.

Braving the chill in the air to dance around the living room in my nightie, yesterday's raspberry doughnut in hand, sprinkling sugar on the carpet between bites and I don't care.

Trying to identify the tracks on the kissy mix without looking at the track listing.

Hovis white bread, perfectly toasted, real butter melting into it.

Reading the Sunday papers on a Tuesday morning.

Wrapping Christmas presents on the living room carpet, with the sounds of a perfect Paris that doesn't exist to accompany.

'Spose I should go get dressed now and face the world and the weather.

December 23, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Choose your own content

I've got lots of things buzzing round my head, and I'm not sure which to write first, so I'm giving you, dear reader, the chance to influence what you want to read next.

What do you want to read next?
Food Porn: Fruit
Food Porn: Hot Chocolate
Food Porn: The Best Christmas Dinner Ever
The Amazing Adventures of Eduardo the Squirrel
Who says London is an unfriendly place?
Zen and the art of Bus Travel
The chocolate chip cookie bug


Free polls from

The first option to reach 10 will be the first thing I write.

Edit: This code is looking a bit wonky for me - not sure if it is for you - if it is, sorry, I'm at work and don't have time to figure out what's up and fix it.

December 15, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

The Carnival of the Animal Cocktails

Crikey, now I remember why I never wanted a job in a pub...

There seem to be a lot of moles being sacrificed in the name of inebriation today. First of all there's Nick, who wants to get blind drunk with a Mole-jito, unlike my esteemed other half who has switched his usual drink for a Te-quail-a Sunrise. Lyle can have a mole-otov cocktail, so long as he takes it outside.

Anna wants an albino russian camel, S wants to take advantage of the dark corners and screw against the wall and Mike will be spending the rest of the afternoon trying to persuade his Pina Koala to get down out of the evergreen nothing-to-do-with-Christmas tree in the corner.

Gert has requested a team of Moscow Mules - perhaps she's needing to transport heavy loads in the snow?

Greybo is shrewdriving in the corner (S, where the hell are you?) and Stuart is dealing with the infestation of incredibly suave city-dwelling rodents.

Mark is badgering Harvey by the wall, Krissa can have a pine martini with PB and Kate can have a Baileys over mice, if she doesn't mind them wriggling.

Dragon can't decide whether to bite himself, or have a Flying Tiger, so maybe he can bite a flying tiger, which should provide the cabaret for the afternoon.

... and me, I'll be in the corner providing the hot-dogs and monkey nuts, should anyone require soakage.

Monday morning update: Fluffy wants crustacean sex with sand in all the wrong places, and Huwge needs a little hair of the dog, which I'm sure will be fine, if he doesn't mind picking the hair out of his teeth after.

December 5, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack

A Disturbance in the Force

Having the flu last week has seemed to leave some lasting effects this week.

Quite apart from being a bit husky voiced, things just haven't been quite right.

On Monday, I got an email requesting some urgent computer-related geek-fu and when I got home, D's PC pitched a fit and decided it wanted the attention all to itself.

On Wednesday morning I was rushing to get ready for work and managed to not notice that I'd put my top on inside out until I got into the office and took my jacket off. Thankfully there was hardly anyone in and I was able to run to the toilets and change quickly.

Yesterday my mobile phone claimed to be out of battery power, when it was in fact fully charged... and that was only the start of what became a very strange day indeed.

This morning though, I think has to take the biscuit.

We (D and I) left the flat as usual, and were walking along the road when we saw my bus. I did a quick shoe check (3" heels) and decided not to make a run for it. Then we saw another bus, and D's bus and all of a sudden, we were running. Me in possibly the least graceful run ever, looking, I imagine, like someone had shoved a broom handle somewhere painful.

Got to the bus, made my way upstairs to get a seat and trod on my coat on the way up because some kid was blocking the stairs and I couldn't see where my feet were going. Collapsed into the aisle seat of the front row of chairs on the top deck, breathing like a sex-line worker and next to a girl who had the biggest elbows this side of I don't know what.

The bus trundled down the road, and I decided to check my mail on my phone (yes, I really am that much of a geek...) and was happily reading as the bus turned the corner... and I felt myself slide to one side.

... and keep on sliding...

.... and keep on sliding...

and I grabbed for the handrail in front of me, and missed...

and wound up in an undignified heap on the floor of the bus.

With the whole sodding top deck of the bus watching.

Had I had my wits more about me, I'd have stood up and took a bow, but I didn't, I just picked myself up, sat back down next to Elbows McWidey and pretended nothing had happened.

Still, that'll teach me to be a geek while going round corners.

Still, it's good to know that I'm not the only one having trouble. I sent D a txt to tell him of my mishap and got the following message in return:

"Just fell down the stairs trying to read your txt one-handed"

I think I'm going to stay at my desk today. It's probably safer that way.

December 5, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack

A Tale of Two Queues

As comedians are so very fond of pointing out, there is something of a culture of queueing in the UK.

To paraphrase some televisual wag from the other night - it's not worth anything if we haven't queued for it.

I mostly think this is an English thing, but I'm going to do my level best to avoid a Scotland v England bunfight and instead get to the story.

Over the weekend I had the (mis)fortune to be in two queues.

Queue 1

On Friday night, D and I went to an event organised by Foyles. They'd organised a reading/interview/signing event hosted by Jonathan Ross where Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean were the guests of honour.

I've seen Neil many times, and Dave McKean only once, two years ago, and I was really looking forward to seeing both of them and getting some more stuff signed.

At the end of the reading/interview bit of the night, there was the inevitable rush to get in the queue for signing. Eventually, they cut off the queue behind D and I and sent everyone else to sit in chairs, so they wouldn't pass out or whatever with the long wait. Everyone that is, except one couple, who managed to wheedle their way into being allowed to stay at the end of the standing queue, skipping about 40 people in the process.

If this wasn't irritating enough, they then proceeded to be airheaded (her) and hugely patronising (him) and generally whinge and complain at the fact that they had to actually (gasp!) wait in line.

I was already struggling to repress the urge to beat them to death with my hardback copy of The Wolves in the Walls when his phone rang. After exchanging initial pleasantries I heard the words "Yeah, I'm at this singing for Neil Gaiman and I'm waiting to get something signed, only there's about a million fanboys in front of me" at which point, dear readers, I saw red.

It was only the prospect of being thrown out of the hall that stopped me grabbing the phone and shoving it down his throat, as he continued to waffle on in a hugely patronising tone.

Y'see, I tend to think that if you're at the event, standing in line to get something signed, that makes you a fanboy too. You don't get to be all superior when you're still in the bloody queue!

Anyway, eventually they got bored and left, at which point the queue moved forward and within 15 minutes we had made it to the front and were leaving with books appropriately scribbled on. It was as if they were some sort of cosmic gravity sink, sucking the back half of the queue towards them and only when they left were we free to move forward.

Queue 2

We woke up on Sunday morning with the realisation that the cupboards were beginning to look fairly bare and grocery shopping for the coming week would need to be done. After some discussion, it was decided that we would forego the luxury of shopping at Waitrose for the cost saving that comes with shopping at Safeway. Of course, all bargains come at a price, and that price is other people. Lots of them. With the same idea, albeit executed with less purpose.

So, we checked the time and decided that if we were going to do Safeway, we had to go now, to have a chance of getting in while it was still relatively quiet - and by quiet I mean only 5 deep at each checkout, not 10.

The scene when we arrived was enough to make me laugh out loud.

The atrium outside the store was full of peope with trolleys, poised like lemmings looking for a cliff, waiting for the shutters to be rolled up.

You see, what I hadn't realised was that this particular Safeway doesn't open until 11 am on Sundays, and we had arrived with just a few minutes to go.

Grinning to ourselves, we chose a trolley and joined the back of the queue. My memory fails me now, but I think there may have been a tiny cheer as the shutters rolled up and the crowd surged forward, ducking under the shutter, each desperate to be the first to the fruit and veg.

D and I quickly realised that a bottleneck was forming in the fruit and veg section, executed a smart left turn and headed for the far end of the store, and started from there.

All in all a relatively painless shopping trip, and not a zombie in sight.

November 18, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Zen and the art of Sand

I don't know where this came from, it got to me via a fairly obscure route... but I'm really glad it did.

Beautiful and hypnotic.

November 14, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Two Little Words

Some recent events have conspired to throw up some issues I thought I'd dealt with... and by "dealt with" I mean "ignored and stuffed into the back of my mind, like that box of stuff you keep in the back of the attic and never open".

Between that and the inevitable carnage caused by having been out of the office for the equivalent of a week and a half in the last month, I haven't been quite myself for the last few days. So much so that I had a major migraine attack on Tuesday. The first one of that magnitude in over two years. So long in fact that the medication I have for such emergencies had actually expired.

In the aftermath of these, I usually feel pretty grim and yesterday was no exception. I probably should have stayed at home and really given myself a chance to recover, but the knowledge of the additional carnage that would result in my inbox if I did was enough to propel me out of the door.

I struggled through the day, managing not to pass out at my desk, trying to get as much done as I could and wondering how long I could hold out before I just had to go home. Then, at about ten past five, when I'd about reached my limit and was getting ready to shut down for the night, something happened which made me feel a whole lot better.

Two little words. Nothing particularly special, but certainly ones that are used far more sparingly than they really should be. They're not magic, and they haven't cured all that ails me, but this morning, despite the fact that I was only able to make a moderate dent in my "To Do" list yesterday, I feel a bit more positive and don't just want to crawl under my desk and hide.

What were the two little words?

Thank you.

November 13, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Tis the Weekend

Can I have a collective Yay!?


This weekend will mostly be spent (gazes into crystal ball) swearing at the router while trying to get it to work with BT Broadband.

Have a good weekend folks!

November 7, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Whadda Way to Wake Up

Is it so wrong that when I saw the advert below (click to enlarge - ooh-err missus!)


displayed on londonmark earlier I thought...

"Well damn, that's one way to wake up with a smile"

Just me?

November 6, 2003 in Randomness | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack