Am I still me?

I've recently been thinking quite a bit about my life over the last few years.

Towards the end of last year, I was contacted out of the blue by two people who I'd had no contact with in the best part of 6 or 7 years, which immediately threw me back to that time in my life. Not long after I re-established contact with the girl who'd been my best friend before I moved to London, after almost 18 months.

Inevitably, as with every trip down memory lane, the comparisons followed - who I was then, who I am now... what, if any, are the changes, and why? Have I changed for the better (or worse), or am I pretty much the same person? What would they think of me now?

The resultant catch-up conversations have been mostly great, but at the same time, very strange. I've been surprise, and in a couple of cases, quite shocked as to the recollections recounted to me, and I've found myself feeling somewhat divorced from my younger "self".

The person they describe doesn't feel like me. It doesn't descibe how I felt about myself then, and in some cases, not even now.

Reading this article by Sheena McDonald on the BBC website today brought the whole thing to the front of my mind again.

Granted, the various traumas I've experienced in a similar period haven't been quite as physically dramatic,
there are still a number of scars I've picked up on the road from there to here.

It's a very thought-provoking piece, and what I can't help thinking is that it's all a matter of perception. How we perceive ourselves is only very rarely how others see us.

One of the comments at the end of the piece pretty much hits the nail on the head - we're all constantly changing, to a greater or lesser degree, as a result of our environment and life experiences, and I think the trick is to feel, deep down within ourselves that the changes are positive, and that we're at least moving in a direction that we like.

... and when I think about it from that point of view, I am convinced that the changes in me have been mostly positive - even if not directly, and that, I think, is enough. For the moment at least.

January 16, 2004 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

In Defence of Multi-Coloured Underwear

I grew up in the kind of household where multi-coloured underwear was considered decadent, frivolous and kind of tarty.

When I was younger, it was Marks & Spencer's best cotton bum-huggers, and during my primary school years, my mum caused me great embarrassment by making me wear knickers the same colour as my school skirt.

I suppose it's true that old habits die hard, because although my current underwear is far from Marks & Sparks finest old faithfuls, it remains all the one colour, which I've found solves all manner of problems, like the pesky one of having to separate the colours before putting stuff in the washing machine.

This all works out pretty well, until you blow the fuse for the lights on Sunday afternoon, and have to get dressed in the dark, when navigating the knicker drawer becomes a magical mystery tour.

January 12, 2004 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack

2004 - A year in review

1 January 2004 - 00:02

Oh god. Why oh why oh why do they have to do that poxy "Auld Lang Syne" medley/montage with minor celebs every sodding year.

1 January 2004 - 00:08

D: [flicking through every channel] Why can't I find live footage of the Proclaimers performing in Glasgow?
Pix: I don't know and I don't care, and more to the point, I'm glad.

1 January 2004 - 00:10

OOoh! Fireworks! I can go and stand on the terrace and get some great fireworks photos with my new camera. Yay!

1 January 2004 - 00:12

Bloody hell, that firework nearly landed on my head. Sod this for a game of soldiers.

2 January 2004 - 12:52

Ooooh, salt! I can take a photo of that with my new camera!

2 January 2004 - 17:52

First pub in Camden. Drinks with D, P&K, M, K and E.

2 January 2004 - 19:30

Second pub in Camden. Food and drinks with D, P&K, M, K and E.

2 January 2004 - 21:30

Third pub in Camden. Drinks with D, P&K, M, K and E and some of M's friends.

3 January 2004 - 21:30

I suppose I should really have changed out of my pyjamas today.

4 January 2004 - 14:30

Is that a man, a woman or Duane Dibbley standing behind you trying to shave inches off your arse with it's shopping trolley?

4 January 2004 - 23:30

D: Oh shit, I have't done my homework!
Pix: You're not at school any more, dear.
D: Oh yeah.

5 January 2004 - 7:30


5 January 2004 - 9:30

Is it just me, or can you smell gas?

6 January 2004 - 7:30


6 January 2004 - 8:45

If you stop me getting across the road in reasonable time because you have 43 cases with you, I will not be responsible for my actions. It's freezing cold, pissing down with rain and I look like a drowned rat. Don't mess with me.

6 January 2004 - 11:55

Oooh! Nearly lunchtime!

January 6, 2004 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Not Dead, Just Designing

As the post title says, I'm not dead, nor am I wallowing in misery, I'm channeling all that and more into something positive - a new design and hopefully, some exciting stuff to come over the next few days.

December 27, 2003 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

That Christmas Feeling

It's been a funny old day.

It's Christmas - I know that because for the last two months I've been assaulted on a daily basis by an ever increasing number of decorations, reminders of days left, bad music and people telling me to cheer up and get into the Christmas spirit.

It's not that I'm deliberately being a miserable sod, I just can't get myself into the mood.

That's not to say that I haven't had a nice day. I've been thorough spoiled by Dave, who got me one thing that I really, really wanted and a couple of things that I really wanted a few years ago and had given up hope on ever getting them to the extent that I'd entirely forgotten about their existence until I opened my presents this morning. We've had a nice quiet day, just the two of us. Most of it spent in front of the TV, watching the extended versions of parts 1 and 2 of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, in preparation for hopefully seeing it tomorrow.

It's just that something's missing.

For the second year, I've had to fight the surge of guilty panic that in my preparations and present buying I've forgotten someone, followed by the sickening thud in my stomach when I remember that I haven't.

I always felt that my dad came off worst at Christmas, because it was also his birthday, and all too often, he'd get "joint" birthday and Christmas presents, that didn't really make any particular effort to be one thing or the other. As a result, I'd go out of my way to get him things I knew that he would be far too sensible to get for himself. Things that I knew he really wanted, but had picked up and put down too many times, deciding they weren't essential. I guess old habits die hard, and I just can't shake the empty feeling that sets in now I don't have to do it any more.

He would have been 66 today. I miss him so much.

December 25, 2003 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack

The Scores on the Doors

It took 35 votes to get one option to 10 and the final scores are as follows:

Who says London is an unfriendly place? - 10
The Amazing Adventures of Eduardo the Squirrel - 8
Food Porn: The Best Christmas Dinner Ever - 7
Zen and the art of Bus Travel - 5
Food Porn: Hot Chocolate - 3
Food Porn: Fruit - 1
The chocolate chip cookie bug - 1

So, London stories up next. Stay tuned.

December 16, 2003 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Five Things You Now Know About Me

I realised that I hadn't yet made good on my promise to provide the answers to my (disastrously unsuccessful) "The Friday Five Things You May or May Not Know About Me" post.

Mark gets drinks of his choice the next time we're out in the pub for being the only one to make even the slightest attempt at getting into the spirit of the thing, and for making me laugh.

For those of you missed the quizlet, the questions were:

1. I have 6 piercings. Where are they? A point for each correct answer.
2. I've started and stopped blogging several times in several locations. How many blog urls have I had? Bonus points if you can name more than 3 of them.
3. How many different hair colours have I had in the last 18 months? Bonus points for being able to name more than 3.
4. I am the world's worst (most pathetic) rebel. Why is this?
5. I have several little "foibles". What are these? One point for each correct one.

Read on for the answers...

1. I have two piercings in my left ear (one in the lobe and one in the ear rim) and one in my right ear lobe. My tongue is pierced, as are both of my nipples. My adventures with body modification didn't stop there, however - I also have a tattoo.

2. I've had 8 urls across 4 domains. 4 on, 2 on, 1 on and this current one.

3. 12. Brown, black with red streaks, brown, burgundy red, ginger with blonde roots, RED, black, black with red roots, ginger with red roots, ginger with blonde roots, brownish red, burgundy.

4. I tried to get wasted on my birthday and spectacularly failed, so I went out the next night and got very very drunk instead, and wound up spending the next three hours barfing my guts up on the pavement outside the pub. Rebellious indeed, or would have been, had I not been so mortified that I used the pints of water I was being brought to keep my hydrated to attempt to clean up the mess.

5. So much ammunition on this site and not one of you took the chance to shoot me with it. So I'm only going to give you one, and a silly one at that - I find it practically impossible to eat cream biscuits properly - I have to take one side off, then scrape off the cream with my teeth, then eat the other side. The same principle applies to Bounty bars, Twixes and Double Decker bars.

So now you know.

December 9, 2003 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (24) | TrackBack

Winter Photos

I don't really do Christmas... at least, it's always more done me than the other way around, and so, instead of an advent calendar for Christmas, consider this to be the countdown to a New Year, and the chance to start fresh.

31 days, 31 images, and a new design at the end of it, so if you like this design, enjoy it while it lasts. It also gives me a chance to show off some of the many thousands of photos I have sitting on my hard drive.

An archive of the header images will be posted, beginning shortly, so if you have a particular favourite, you can see it again as often as you like.

December 3, 2003 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBack

Winter Blues

T'was time for a change,
and change there has been.
'Tis winter y'see,
greys replacing the greens.

With the change of the season,
comes a change in my mood.
Sometimes without reason,
not always for good.

As my gaze drifted outside,
at the fading autumn hues.
I redesigned my site,
with a touch of winter blues.

December 1, 2003 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (16) | TrackBack

All change for chat...

For reasons I can't quite figure, it seems that in recent days there has been something funny going on with my aim name. Whenever I sign on it seems to sign me on in two places, and so I've decided to retire it and get a new one.

So, out with the old, in with pixeldivauk, now on all the networks - AIM, Yahoo and MSN.

If we've talked to me before, please change your respective contact lists - if you haven't - what are you waiting for? I don't bite (unless asked very nicely) and I can't give you the lurgie online.

Also, I'm very, very bored after having spent a week indoors, so do feel free to say hi. Please?

November 28, 2003 in Me, me, me | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack