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That Christmas Feeling

It's been a funny old day.

It's Christmas - I know that because for the last two months I've been assaulted on a daily basis by an ever increasing number of decorations, reminders of days left, bad music and people telling me to cheer up and get into the Christmas spirit.

It's not that I'm deliberately being a miserable sod, I just can't get myself into the mood.

That's not to say that I haven't had a nice day. I've been thorough spoiled by Dave, who got me one thing that I really, really wanted and a couple of things that I really wanted a few years ago and had given up hope on ever getting them to the extent that I'd entirely forgotten about their existence until I opened my presents this morning. We've had a nice quiet day, just the two of us. Most of it spent in front of the TV, watching the extended versions of parts 1 and 2 of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, in preparation for hopefully seeing it tomorrow.

It's just that something's missing.

For the second year, I've had to fight the surge of guilty panic that in my preparations and present buying I've forgotten someone, followed by the sickening thud in my stomach when I remember that I haven't.

I always felt that my dad came off worst at Christmas, because it was also his birthday, and all too often, he'd get "joint" birthday and Christmas presents, that didn't really make any particular effort to be one thing or the other. As a result, I'd go out of my way to get him things I knew that he would be far too sensible to get for himself. Things that I knew he really wanted, but had picked up and put down too many times, deciding they weren't essential. I guess old habits die hard, and I just can't shake the empty feeling that sets in now I don't have to do it any more.

He would have been 66 today. I miss him so much.

December 25, 2003 in Me, me, me | Permalink


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*hugs* I hear you.

Posted by: Courtney | Dec 25, 2003 10:42:36 PM

I'm so sorry. I wish I could say it gets easier with time...but...

Posted by: robyn | Dec 25, 2003 10:53:23 PM

My mother died shortly after Xmas when I was 14. When something like that happens it's pretty hard to really get into the swing of the holidays for some time.

After my mother died I had to help my grandfather on his Xmas errands. Despite being in his 80's by then he still had the stamina of an Olympic track star when it came to the holidays. He wore me out.

Every Xmas I truly miss him and those errands.

Posted by: pops | Dec 26, 2003 2:19:32 AM

It is a constant battle within our minds when we lose a parent and find ourselves sitting in front of holiday cheer. Both of my parents have passed and this Christmas was difficult because of my memory of my mother.

Yet, we persevere, moving on because we have to do so, rather than falling into despair.

My best wishes to you!

Posted by: jay | Dec 26, 2003 1:16:57 PM

Best wishes as well.

Posted by: SER | Dec 28, 2003 10:33:01 PM

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