pixeldiva

The Pixeldiva Method - Part 2 - Sweeties

The madness doesn't stop with biscuits and chocolate bars...

Maltesers

Maltesers are still very much in existence, and although they wouldn't be my first choice in sweetie, I can occasionally do them some serious damage.

The techniques described here are the most obvious and work well, however, I occasionally like to knaw all the chocolate off the malteser and throw out the inside bit.

The most fun, however, is to be found in the journey of the malteser from packet to mouth. There are many, many variations in technique, including but not limited to:

- The old faithful "throw into a friend's open mouth, making all attempts to avoid poking their eye out";

- leaning your head to one side at the end of the table and have a friend try to score a "goal" and get it in your mouth. Do exercise caution though, hospitals don't tend to look too kindly to patients turning up with maltesers embedded in their nostrils;

- picking it up with a straw then dropping it into someone else's mouth;

- tilting your head back, balancing a malteser on the tip of your nose, then attempting to catch it with the tongue as you bring your head up to look forward.

Poppets (and Revels)

The basic techniques described above work well for anything small, round and chocolate covered.

If you have a willing partner, the fun can be increased in finding interesting methods of getting them to that all important location - the mouth.

Once there, your mission should always be to remove all the chocolate first, before moving on to the centre piece.

Particular care should be taken with the toffee and nut varieties to avoid dental trauma.

Ferrero Rocher

The ultimate indulgence. Spoil yourself with some Fererro Rocher, but if you're going to do it, you have to do it properly.

The important thing here is to remove the outer nutty coating, leaving yourself with the inner wafer shell, the join of which you can then identify. Apply gentle pressure to this join, with the aim of splitting it into two neat halves. You can then use your tongue to fish the hidden nut out of the chocolately goo before licking anything left behind until you're left with a basic wafer shell, which you can then pop into your mouth.

Turkish Delight

The techniques differ slightly depending on whether it's "proper" Turkish Delight or the chocolate coated kind.

The Proper Kind

This will generally be found in cubes, coated in icing sugar. If this is the case, your objective must be to lick all the icing sugar off the cube before it enters your mouth, where you can then suck gently on it until it melts down into a deliciously gelatinous goo in your mouth. It's very important that you resist the impulse to chew on the cube to speed up the process, this ruins the effect totally.

The Chocolate Coated Kind

This is best tackled straight from the fridge, where the chocolate is lovely and hard and cracks easily.

The object is once more to remove the chocolate coating in a methodical manner, before popping the gooey blob into your mouth.

Note: both of these techniques may require you to suck your fingers to rid them of any residual stickiness.

Sherbet Dippers

An old favourite this - a packet of sherbet provided with a lollipop. The aim is simple - use the lollipop to aid the transferral of sherbet to mouth.

Sherbet removal techniques can vary depending on how quickly you want to eat the sherbet, and any potential audience.

The most obvious is merely to coat the lolly with sherbet, insert it into your mouth and suck all the sherbet off. Direct, and to the point, but it lacks a little finesse.

My preferred method is to methodically lick the sherbet from each side in turn. I will occasionally scoop up a mini mountain of sherbet onto one side of the lolly and sprinkle this onto my tongue, but this relies on being indoors, or at least in a sheltered area where the wind can't steal my sherbet.

It's very important not to give into the temptation to suck the lolly too much, as disaster can strike if you suck too hard and the head comes off the lolly before you've finished all the sherbet.

It's also very important to get your breathing right when consuming sherbet - one wrong breath out and you've got suspicious looking white powder down your front, a wrong breath in and you'll be coughing and seeing stars for the next half hour.

Strawberry Laces

It would be remiss of me to not mention the obvious method of consuming strawberry laces - the spaghetti suck method. A simple classic, it involves inserting one end of the lace between your lips and sucking until the entire lace is in your mouth. If the lace is particularly thick or long, then you may pause and chew mid-suck, so long as you leave the trailing end hanging from your lips.

Other methods include:

- wind the lace around one finger until it's covered with no skin showing between the rounds. Insert finger in mouth and suck entire spiral off in one go.

- (for those with the TP1.0 upgrade) wind the end of the lace around the upper part of the stud, then take the lace down one side of the tongue, wrap it around the lower part of the stud, before taking it around the other side and wrapping it around the upper part of the stud again. Repeat until lace length has been used. Spend the next half hour with the delicious taste of strawberry in your mouth as it dissolves slowly. Do not attempt to talk during this period.

Smarties (see also M&M's)

Preferred method for Smartie consumption is to segregate the smarties into their individual colour groups and then consume them in the following order:

- Brown, Green, Yellow, Blue, Purple, Red, Orange (if the Smarties contain orange chocolate)

- Brown, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue and Purple (if they don't)

For the actual consumption, there are two preferred methods:

- Insert the Smartie into the mouth and suck slowly, this will melt the inner chocolate before the outer shell cracks, so that when it does, you can use your tongue to align the sides between your teeth, where gentle pressure will cause the Smartie to crack around the edge and smooth melty chocolate to flood out onto your tongue.

- Pre-crack the smartie between the front teeth and then lick the chocolate from each half with the tip of your tongue, throwing the shells in at the end for a delicious crunch.

Flumps

The king of marshmallow sweeties - they come in several different variations. The trick is to unravel any spirals, split any joined up ones, and for the long thing ordinary ones, pull these between your hands until they form a thin rope, then raise this to lip level and stick your tongue out, breaking the rope like the winner of a race breaks the tape.

The Pixeldiva Method - Part 1 - Biscuits and Chocolate

Using this handy guide, you too can amaze and counfound those around you with your artistic consumptive skills.

The Bourbon Cream (or any other cream filled biscuit)

Examine the biscuit carefully to ascertain which side of the biscuit should be designated "top" and which "base". A good general guide in making this decision should be which side looks like it might come away from the cream easier in one piece.

Once the sides have been assigned, hold the biscuit by the base and carefully insert the tip of your tongue between the base and the top, wriggling it in an upwards motion with the intention of loosening it and removing the top cleanly from the cream. This step can be accomplished with the teeth, but that requires skillful use of gentle pressure to avoid breaking the top in the removal process.

With regard to the cream removal process, there are two distinct schools of thought in this area:-

1. lick it all off
2. scrape it off with the teeth

I tend to find that I choose my approach based on time constraints - method 1 is more time consuming, but tends to be much more satisfying in terms of mouth-feel, enabling you to fully experience the taste and texture of the filling.

With the lid and the cream consumed, all that remains is to dispatch the base in either one or two bites, depending on the size of your mouth, and the likelihood of being made to laugh and as a result spray crumbs from your mouth in a most unattractive fashion.

The Twix

The key to consuming the Twix lies in being methodical. It is also helpful if the Twix is chilled, to assist with chocolate removal and lessen the likelihood of getting it all over your face.

To begin, carefully bite off the chocolate coating at the end, exposing the dual layer of biscuit and toffee. Expose about an inch of the finger, and remove the chocolate coating from each side carefully. You can then bite off the toffee layer from the top, and finally, bite off that inch of biscuit.

This process should be repeated until the Twix is consumed.

The Kit-Kat

This follows the same basic methodology as the Twix, but extra skill needs to be employed in removing each separate layer of wafer.

The Double Decker

Again, this follows the same methodology as the Twix, however, it should be noted that it is not advisable to attempt the Double Decker straight from the fridge. For optimum enjoyment, it should be left out for approximately 15-20 minutes to enable the nougat to soften just enough that it becomes pliable and easy to remove from the crispy base.

The Tunnocks Tea-Cake

There are two approaches to the Tunnocks Tea-Cake:-

1. Through the top
2. From below

1. Through the top

To begin, remove the tea-cake from the silver foil and turn it round, holding the base through the foil. Poke a hole in the top shell of the tea-cake either by poking your tongue through it (if your tongue has been sufficiently trained to accomplish such a feat) or by biting through the shell.

You can then either poke your tongue through the resulting hole and begin to gouge out the fluffy mallow filling, or begin to nibble off the chocolate, leaving the mallow intact. Depending on how full the tea-cake is, you can attempt to suck the filling out through the hole.

Once you've removed the chocolate and mallow, you can then nibble round the outside of the biscuit to remove the chocolate before finally consuming the biscuit.

2. From below

This method requires slightly more skill and practice is necessary to get it just right.

To begin, peel the foil back from the biscuit base enough so that you can get your mouth round the biscuit base without eating foil.

Open wide and insert the entire base between your teeth and carefully bite down. It is possible to remove the entire biscuit base in one go, but this is rare, and it will usually take two or three bites to remove all the biscuit from the rest of the tea-cake.

Once this has been accomplished, you can feel free to gently excavate and remove all the mallow from the inside of the tea-cake, before popping the chocolate dome into your mouth.

The Jaffa Cake

A complex trick, this.

If you have time to spare, you can slowly lick the chocolate layer from the top of the jammy bit, before sucking it from the biscuit, leaving a ring of chocolate around the outside of the spongy bit.

If you are pushed, grasp the jaffa cake in both hands and begin to bend it back on itself, jammy side up. The preferred ratio is about 70/30, so that you remove enough biscuit to be able to get a grip on the jammy bit and suck it out whole. This then leaves you with a chocolate layer which can be broken off, or alternatively, you can just eat the remaining part as is.

The Bounty Bar

This one gets a bit sticky, so it's generally not advisable to attempt this in an area where you will be exposed to fluff.

The premise is simple. Remove all the chocolate before eating the coconut.

The chocolate removal process is simple - all the chocolate from the edges must be removed first. The top is always next, and the base last.

The Creme Egg

Similar in principle to the tea-cake, but the thicker chocolate provides more of a challenge.

The preferred way to attempt the Creme Egg is to first of all knaw the top of the egg until breaking through to the yolk, then remove the yolk slowly and carefully with the tongue before finishing off the chocolate shell in one or two bites.

The Magnum

Generally a summer event only, this involves biting into the chocolate carefully so that it cracks, then removing it piece by piece until you are left with a virgin creamy surface.

This should then be nibbled or licked down either side until it reaches a size where it can be inserted into the mouth and sucked.

Alternatively, if you have the upgrade to Tongue Piercing 1.0, you can show off by writing your name (or drawing whichever design you wish) down each side before accomplishing the step above.

The Joy of Soup

The heating is still not fixed.

The flat is cold.

I am cold, and have contracted a cold.

It's time for comfort food.

I'm thinking soup. A big pot of soup.

This is where you guys and gals come in - I need your favourite tried and tested recipes. Got a recipe that was handed down through the generations that your mo(u)m made that's just absolutely the best thing when you're feeling ill? Or just something you've discovered yourself.

Feel like sharing it? I'd be really grateful.

Last Night In Numbers

Last night, I had the following to drink:

6 shots of Jack Daniels
2 shots of Sambucca
2 shots of Cointreau
4 shots of Tequila (Cuervo Gold)
2 shots of cheap nasty Vodka
2 shots of Smirnoff Vodka
1 Purple Haze (half a shot each of blue and red Aftershock
1 Slippery Nipple (one shot of tequila and a double shot of Baileys)
1 pint of water

Anyone want to guess the result?

Anyone Thirsty?

Not only can I not stop playing with my food, I can't stop playing with my drink either...

One of these is not like the others, can you guess which?

(This gallery is dedicated to Karen - Queen of the Afternoon Beverage)

Anyone Hungry?

Well whaddya know, I still can't stop playing with my food.

Gallery II of III. Expect more food photos soon.

Fire!

So, I was starting to cook dinner earlier this evening.

I got the pot out of the cupboard, poured some olive oil in, and turned on the heat, to get ready to brown the lamb I had planned to cook for dinner.

I went back to the laptop in the living room intending to look up a recipe and got distracted showing D a website, the reason for which will take far too long and will be the subject of an entirely different post (or series of posts).

So anyway, we were looking at the laptop, when we heard a "whoooomph" sound and saw a flash coming from the kitchen... and in that instant I remembered that I'd left the pot, with the oil in it, on the heat.

I ran the three steps to the kitchen to see flames shooting out of the pot, at least 18 inches high and getting higher.

D was behind me, shouting that I should take it off the heat and take it outside, and it took those few seconds for my girl guide training to kick in.

I took the pot off the heat, complete with huge flames still going strong, and shouted at D to grab a tea towel and soak it, and throw it over the top, which he did, and in that instant, our little conflagration was over.

So remember folks, although you might think it's useless twaddle, and not something you'll ever need to know, because you'll never be that stupid, you really should read up on what you should do in case of a fire.

It might save you some money, your kitchen, your house or your life.

I just lost a pot and a tea towel - if I hadn't been within two steps of it and able to extinguish it within a minute and a half, it might have been so much worse.

Of course, ever since D hasn't stopped taking the piss, and immediately changed the CD to play "Firestarter."

Food Fetish

My mum told me never to play with my food, so I photograph it instead (but really, since when did I ever do anything she said...?).

New photoalbum just added for your viewing pleasure.

I'm off to raid the fridge, I'm inexplicably hungry again.