The Pixeldiva Method - Part 1 - Biscuits and Chocolate

Using this handy guide, you too can amaze and counfound those around you with your artistic consumptive skills.

The Bourbon Cream (or any other cream filled biscuit)

Examine the biscuit carefully to ascertain which side of the biscuit should be designated "top" and which "base". A good general guide in making this decision should be which side looks like it might come away from the cream easier in one piece.

Once the sides have been assigned, hold the biscuit by the base and carefully insert the tip of your tongue between the base and the top, wriggling it in an upwards motion with the intention of loosening it and removing the top cleanly from the cream. This step can be accomplished with the teeth, but that requires skillful use of gentle pressure to avoid breaking the top in the removal process.

With regard to the cream removal process, there are two distinct schools of thought in this area:-

1. lick it all off
2. scrape it off with the teeth

I tend to find that I choose my approach based on time constraints - method 1 is more time consuming, but tends to be much more satisfying in terms of mouth-feel, enabling you to fully experience the taste and texture of the filling.

With the lid and the cream consumed, all that remains is to dispatch the base in either one or two bites, depending on the size of your mouth, and the likelihood of being made to laugh and as a result spray crumbs from your mouth in a most unattractive fashion.

The Twix

The key to consuming the Twix lies in being methodical. It is also helpful if the Twix is chilled, to assist with chocolate removal and lessen the likelihood of getting it all over your face.

To begin, carefully bite off the chocolate coating at the end, exposing the dual layer of biscuit and toffee. Expose about an inch of the finger, and remove the chocolate coating from each side carefully. You can then bite off the toffee layer from the top, and finally, bite off that inch of biscuit.

This process should be repeated until the Twix is consumed.

The Kit-Kat

This follows the same basic methodology as the Twix, but extra skill needs to be employed in removing each separate layer of wafer.

The Double Decker

Again, this follows the same methodology as the Twix, however, it should be noted that it is not advisable to attempt the Double Decker straight from the fridge. For optimum enjoyment, it should be left out for approximately 15-20 minutes to enable the nougat to soften just enough that it becomes pliable and easy to remove from the crispy base.

The Tunnocks Tea-Cake

There are two approaches to the Tunnocks Tea-Cake:-

1. Through the top
2. From below

1. Through the top

To begin, remove the tea-cake from the silver foil and turn it round, holding the base through the foil. Poke a hole in the top shell of the tea-cake either by poking your tongue through it (if your tongue has been sufficiently trained to accomplish such a feat) or by biting through the shell.

You can then either poke your tongue through the resulting hole and begin to gouge out the fluffy mallow filling, or begin to nibble off the chocolate, leaving the mallow intact. Depending on how full the tea-cake is, you can attempt to suck the filling out through the hole.

Once you've removed the chocolate and mallow, you can then nibble round the outside of the biscuit to remove the chocolate before finally consuming the biscuit.

2. From below

This method requires slightly more skill and practice is necessary to get it just right.

To begin, peel the foil back from the biscuit base enough so that you can get your mouth round the biscuit base without eating foil.

Open wide and insert the entire base between your teeth and carefully bite down. It is possible to remove the entire biscuit base in one go, but this is rare, and it will usually take two or three bites to remove all the biscuit from the rest of the tea-cake.

Once this has been accomplished, you can feel free to gently excavate and remove all the mallow from the inside of the tea-cake, before popping the chocolate dome into your mouth.

The Jaffa Cake

A complex trick, this.

If you have time to spare, you can slowly lick the chocolate layer from the top of the jammy bit, before sucking it from the biscuit, leaving a ring of chocolate around the outside of the spongy bit.

If you are pushed, grasp the jaffa cake in both hands and begin to bend it back on itself, jammy side up. The preferred ratio is about 70/30, so that you remove enough biscuit to be able to get a grip on the jammy bit and suck it out whole. This then leaves you with a chocolate layer which can be broken off, or alternatively, you can just eat the remaining part as is.

The Bounty Bar

This one gets a bit sticky, so it's generally not advisable to attempt this in an area where you will be exposed to fluff.

The premise is simple. Remove all the chocolate before eating the coconut.

The chocolate removal process is simple - all the chocolate from the edges must be removed first. The top is always next, and the base last.

The Creme Egg

Similar in principle to the tea-cake, but the thicker chocolate provides more of a challenge.

The preferred way to attempt the Creme Egg is to first of all knaw the top of the egg until breaking through to the yolk, then remove the yolk slowly and carefully with the tongue before finishing off the chocolate shell in one or two bites.

The Magnum

Generally a summer event only, this involves biting into the chocolate carefully so that it cracks, then removing it piece by piece until you are left with a virgin creamy surface.

This should then be nibbled or licked down either side until it reaches a size where it can be inserted into the mouth and sucked.

Alternatively, if you have the upgrade to Tongue Piercing 1.0, you can show off by writing your name (or drawing whichever design you wish) down each side before accomplishing the step above.